Visual White Noise Theater: Nazi “Elves” (1989) will ruin your Christmas. Boo hoo hoo.

Incest. Fried MILFS. Nazi Elves. A drunk Santa. Yep you got a family holiday movie, so gather around children, its time to enter the yuletide joy that is “Elves”. Some girls do a anti Christmas, Pagan ritual in the forest, one of the chicks cuts herself thus summoning an evil Nazi Elf who wants to breed with her because she is pure and he wants to take over the world, not if drunk Mall Santa, Dan Haggerty, has anything to say about it.

Exhibiting the acting prowess of a tree, Dan Haggerty of “Grizzly Adams” fame, plays a former detective turned drunk mall Santa who takes on neo nazi agents and the forces of evil “Elves” in league with them. What to say about this movie… Well I couldn’t find much on it at all, “critics” seem to abhor this movie but to me “critics” are butthurt because almost all of them are failed movie makers and writers that sit and criticize others who actually go out and take a chance making these insane pieces of art. The Siskel and Ebert types only like uppity, boring and tepid crap so I don’t take seriously anything they say. I am the only critic I trust, I know that I sound hypocritical because my blog is a bit of a critic type thing, difference is I won’t review things that waste my time or yours. If something sucks so bad I feel like I wanted to slash my wrists consuming it, I won’t share it here.

This movie is sleazy, I mean it just drips off the screen, its dirty and it isn’t nice. A kid spies on his sister taking a shower and when she catches him he tells her he likes looking at her big tits, teenage throats get slashed, heads get shot by Nazi agents, an Elf attempts rape, the same Elf drops a toaster into the bath tub of the well endowed mother of the main character (the mother is played by Deanna Lund of “Land of Giants” fame, the grandfather in this movie had sex with his own daughter to create a girl of pure blood that the Elf could rape to spawn a race that would take over the world etc.) You know the usual stuff that happens on Christmas.

Apparently the movie had a limited theatrical release and was released later on VHS in 1994. This was a surprise, I literally thought that this was a direct to video affair, the version I have has a trailer for another movie “Alien Seed” aka “Alien Abortionist” that stars Eric Estrada, which I will review later, which was put out by the same company, AIP, who put out “Elves”, this AIP is not Roger Corman’s “American International Pictures” but “Action International Pictures” the name is a shameless rip off to get people to think that Corman put this stuff out. Of course I could see Corman putting something like this out.

Dan Haggerty seems to play the same character in everything I have seen him in. Doesn’t bother me, in fact, I light up whenever I see his name on anything. Normally, Dan makes movies my grandpa would like, except for “Elves” all grandpas will hate that one. But they’ll like Haggerty’s other work like “Repo Jake” and “One Man War”, a little skin, cars exploding and guns killing people. “Elves” goes too far into weirdo territory with magic gems that kill evil Nazi Elves, and daughters fucking their dads, though there is people who get shot in the face and there is a car that explodes with Dan rolling out of it (more like his stunt man).

Every Christmas holiday I watch this thing. I look forward to it, it turns the whole “horror Christmas” thing on its head, instead of having a lunatic Santa running around chopping up teenagers because he saw his mom fucking his dad dressed as Santa as a kid, you have a ex detective who got fired from the force for being a drunk becoming a mall Santa and kicking Nazi Elf ass. There is no official release of this nor do I think it will ever get one, its so sleazy and so filthy I love weird stuff like this. I wasn’t bored one god damn minute and you won’t be either. Every scene is a jaw dropper. “Elves” drop kicks Christmas into oblivion.

So if your bored of the usual Christmas fare I say turn yourself onto this, just clean up after your done, Jesus, what do you think this is? One of those porn booths you do your nasty business in and leave the mess for the janitor with the fake leg to clean up? Oh and Merry Christmas motherfuckers. Here is Noisepuncher’s present for you, hope it uploaded properly and this version has the “Alien Seed” aka “Alien Abortionist” trailer, something to look forward to: